vain

The only thing that matters is endurance. Endure the tired, endure the pain, endure your mind. Control everything, don't let it slip out of your tight ball. Compress everything, save nothing.

Everything is of vain, don't let things you can't control worry you. Nothing matters, overcome and abide.

realization

I remember why I can't put effort into you, it all goes to waste. That was it, I'm done.

On another note, growing ever slowly. New toys have arrived.

chat

After talking to you and snuggling all night, I drove my grandparents SUV back to their parking spot in the hotel. By the time I got out, I saw a crowd of people hovering around the satellite station. Curious as ever, I proceed to ask questions to find out a bunch of kids are telling everyone they're going to jump. I wait, and see.

They end up jumping, and hurting themselves. One in particular, the kid landed on his head. But when they jumped, it wasn't far at all, I guess my dream exaggerated the distance.

And besides the butterfly plane, my dream was all unusual. As ever.

again

I had that dream where you play the part of falling in love with an old crush. Why they call it crush? because thats what they do to you in the end. A very fitting teacher of mine was the first portrayal of this crush, and for the most part, is was her. She was basically every personality I could ask for in a women, and cute to boot. She was in charge of a store in the dream for a temporary duty, and the only one working there at all. I was helping her do the chores around the store and closer and closer we got. Until she invited me to her house for a pool party at night. 

We drank, and drank, and drank. 

Things always get heated up when its a party and people drink. But for some reason my dream skipped over a large portion of the dream after I saved a friend of the girls from drowning. I knew she was married, and so did she. "I want to fuck you."

Shift,

A different person, a person whom I rarely really even interacted with. But desired from afar. A girl from high school. A girl who had every interest that I had. I could remember lying in bed with her. I could smell the alcohol from last night, and drinking this morning. Our faces were intimately close, our lips infinitely. She said, "You don't even know how close we can put our lips together without touching."

And then I woke up. And was satisfied.

And wondered: I go on looking for what I want, but is there anyone looking for me?

playing

I'm not shuffling anymore. Not around the facts, at least.

I need a love, one to organize myself.

But when will it happen? That magic, the love that I so selfishly strive for.

Deny friends hear me, and there, I will, however pick the chosen. I think.

I hope.

me

All Is Vanity
1	The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2	Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.
3	What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun?
4	One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.
5	The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.
6	The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.
7	All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full: unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.
8	All things are full of labor; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.
9	The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10	Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.
11	There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after.

invisible

You don't notice it, because it's subconscious. But it happens, and your energy and aura differ from each passing one. Whether it's full or not makes a huge impact on the way your body works, even a full ocean makes waves because of it. But it's stable and constant. Whether the tide comes in and out is the reflection of it's weakness. And you thought you get out of it?

Notice it more often, and account for it.

"The Splitting of Representation and Referent Layers
Salvia divinorum causes metaperception, which is the tangible perception of the layer of mental constructs that is the only thing directly presented to awareness. In the dissociative state, the vantage-point of awareness is raised, or stepped back a level, resulting in perceiving the cognitive workings of mental-construct processing and perception itself.

Mental constructs that are usually tightly associated separate from each other. The mental representation of each item also perceptibly separates from the represented referent; representations split into two perceptibly distinct layers. The representation layer is present to awareness like a tangible painting, while the referent layer is a remote, speculative realm that is pointed to but is perceptually absent, like a foreign country one has never directly seen (Hoffman 1996).

A person lives their entire subjectively experienced life inside a simulation that their own mind produces by presenting mental constructs to awareness. In metaperception, personal control-power and personal movement through space and time appear as synthetic mental constructs.

The Moving Control-Agent as Mental Construct
In the ordinary cognitive state, the mind generates the sensation of being an autonomous egoic agent wielding cross-time control-power while moving through time and space; this sensation is a projected, constructed, synthetic image and perspective.

The ego-entity exists as a real set of patterns and dynamics spread across time, but the ego is not solid, continuous, or autonomously powerful in the way the mind originally imagines. The self exists as a mental construct in the form of a time-slice series. This mental construct exists both as the entire series and as individual time-slices, with the continuant agent’s motion and control-power mentally projected from within each time-slice.

Seeing the illusory aspects of mental representation of oneself, and feeling static spacetime unity in the absence of the accustomed sense of personal solidity, can be experienced as death. This death-experience is the ending of personal existence, because the egoic-mode mind identifies one’s existence with the projected image and sensation of the moving continuant agent and its control-power. "

dark

 What ever happened to chivalry? Why is it cool to be an ass? I miss seeing genuine people, with appropriate, healthy habits. And I don't mean just in conversation, but in action. When did saying: "Hello," or "Goodmorning!" ever become stupid? Or when did people in America quit exercising edict?

  

I almost felt scared to go to sleep last night. I reluctantly realized how quiet and dark it was in my room, and how alone I feel. Never waking up, what had I ever accomplished?

Believe nothing, question everything.

silence

It happened again. 

I feel displaced from my mind, and completely calm. Sound all around, yet silence in my head. It's a beautiful feeling to condense all of my worries, thoughts, and stress into an ever compressing ball. Breathe deep and silence everything else.

I'm evolving again, sweep me away wisdom.