lights

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

 Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet, on Giving.

I went to sleep under blinking stars and a sleeping bag last night on the ship. A soft humming noise from the equipment and the constant ticking, green flashing lights calmed me to a sleep.

My heart skips when she's around, and it's so damn bad for me.

Forgive me for being selfish.

workworkwork

home is so far from his memory
the ships old wet deck is all his family

Sharks Keep Moving - Sailor

 I spend most of my time a work these days, and they get slower and slower. Where has my life been lately?

A bad stick of RAM took up most of my night last night, and trips to Virginia Beach tonight.

Where's some one who understands?

while,

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Khalil Gibran - The Prohpet, on Children

It's been a bit since I've wrote, on many reasons I've been extremely frustrated with life. Short to temper, easy to aggravate. I need some chilling time, and I need it now. 

What I haven't began to understand is my addiction to you, my interests are changing again, and with this comes a difference in me.

On the fence, it's always hung. Right near the brambles of the metal spirals, but not too close. But dangerous enough for you to be scared.

exist

You bought those pills they sell
a fucking joke
forget those monsters floating under your skin
go wash your hands in skink filled with glass
and feel the cuts laugh ha ha ha ha
oh fuck it all
try one join the grins too
i'll trade for all
for hipocrits and neck too you
from now on
i'll grip my belt
and enjoy this ride

Tubelords - Night of the Pencil 

Equality in life is as absent minded as pornography in a regular conversation; No one speaks of it, but masturbation is a normality these days. Hell, I feel bad about myself most times. If as if I were a beast masturbating to porn. But lets dis-concern ourselves from that topic, which seems to be a sensitive one to me since it's sort of an obsession.

Either way, I'd say I'm blessed to be where I am. Drinking a beer, and on my new 2k desktop. I have everything I'd ever want in life. But I like to think that my worldly continuity will last forever.  


Saying something profound would make my day, considering I'm making lyrics for my new band.
So if I were a pirate, I'd be happier. Or maybe a robot so I didn't have to compute feelings for people.

Colors

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet

 I woke up today, got strawberry pancakes from the mess decks. Got in my car and got a Mocha and had a cigarette and drove so chillingly with the windows down. Listening to Mathrock!

I'm going to the beach today.

I've decided that I love the mornings rather than the nights. Mornings are peaceful and beautiful, night time is so corrupted.

grey

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. 
Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

Thoughts:

I now know why I where glasses, which is simple really. Women who are put off my glasses, which for some strange reason seem to signify intelligence are stupid. Plain and simple, when will a girl find that my glasses aren't stupid?

Speaking of a stupidity, I know one  who is stupid. But I tend to keep my comments to myself.

Besides it being a long day at work again, It's been fun. I've learned so much software-side of our new install. It's pretty damn awesome. I was walking down the p-way when I say a security guard, they tend to look like mopey puppies who have done something wrong. Why is that?

Car wash time, and later on drinking at a friends.

Hammer time.

Let not the waves of the sea separate us now, and the years you have spent in our midst become a memory.

You have walked among us a spirit, and your shadow has been a light upon our facs.

Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.

Yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you. 

The Prophet - Khalil Gibran

Stop.

What have you done today? Or this month for that fact. Is it different from any other month out of this past year? Have you done anything different, have you changed habit, or made importance out of anything?

I was on my way out of work when I really just wanted to stop in the middle of the crosswalk and consider my life; For the past three years has been a blur. Honestly, I never thought there was anything outside of highschool, back then. What have I done with my life? I've learned so many things. I'm a completely different person.

A Marine died today who went to Central, got shot in the head. 

My reason and logic have changed significantly:

I didn't know the person and as his decision to become a Marine and go down the route in knowing the danger of death, I don't feel bad at all. But because I'm such a damn downer, and that I know what the military is like, I disregard my thoughts. I give sympathy for his family and friends, and since he's from Columbia I feel bad for that. But honestly, so it goes.

Hearing

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

• Miles "Pudge" Halter about Alaska Young, p. 88

 Blessed, we are. Whether you see it or not, we have so many things that are beautiful in our life. Most things we take for granted.

Let the ground shake, and the dust under your drawers come to life. Let the inanimate, even inside yourself become stubborn limbs that rot and fall away.

Bring me beauties and butterflies, my Spring love.

Singles!

Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.

The truth is what should motivate your life not the lies or you will fall victim to the first rule and if you ignore the truth you're betraying everything that you believe in because the lie is more convenient to you than reality. 

                  Valentines Day? Fuck you.

Is there much more explaining to that? Other than my extremely rude awakening to someone calling me this morning at 5, and getting out of work at 1615 made this day last a little bit longer than I planned. 

So maybe I'm being over-dramatic about my day, and how it was bad. Attitude is what makes me, right? Let me put myself in a better mood:

Glassjaw concert tonight, so damn excited about that. It's going to make my mood for the rest of the night, I expect.  Just tell me where you're going to stay.

toro y moi

A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole.

To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy - to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions. 

Faith is a device of self-delusion, a sleight of hand done with words and emotions founded on any irrational notion that can be dreamed up. Faith is the attempt to coerce truth to surrender to whim. In simple terms, it is trying to breathe life into a lie by trying to outshine reality with the beauty of wishes. Faith is the refuge of fools, the ignorant, and the deluded, not of thinking, rational men. 

In reality, contradictions cannot exist. To believe in them you must abandon the most important thing you possess: your rational mind. The wager for such a bargain is your life. In such an exchange, you always lose what you have at stake.

I think they should let you go as fast as you want on the road based on your IQ. 

Besides all of the hype, the weather has been quite beautiful out lately. Too bad it's back to work tomorrow.

Gigi

Talga Vassternich.

Translation: Deserve Victory.

"Be justified in your convictions. Be completely committed. Earn what you want and need rather than waiting for others to give you what you desire."

Commitment means not leaving your thoughts in the trash. Which also means not settling for less than what you earn.

Ambiance reverberates on the insides of my ear into my brain, where I decipher the signals. My signals, my thoughts control my world around me. "We fly with our spirits." So says the girl.

So quit trying so hard, will ya?

caturday

Life is the future, not the past.

The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish things in the future, comfort us with cherished memories, and provide the foundation of what has already been accomplished. But only the future holds life. To live in the past is to embrace what is dead. To live life to its fullest, each day must be created anew. As rational, thinking beings, we must use our intellect, not a blind devotion to what has come before, to make rational choices. 

My head spinned a bit too fast last night, which resulted in a dreadful sleep. Lessons learned, I won't do that again. I woke up with messages and messages on my phone, it was ridiculous.

I'm so tired.

So 4 hour nap makes me feel better, I've found out. Moe's time.

beauty

The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason.

The first law of reason is this: what exists, exists; what is, is; and from this irreducible bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. It is the foundation from which life is embraced.

  

Thinking is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts nor are they a means to discover them. Reason is our only way of grasping reality; it is our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss that we refuse to see. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. In rejecting reason, refusing to think, one embraces death. 

I've been happier the last couple of days, because I think I've realized where I went wrong: Trusting anybody with my feelings. After the fact that I change my mindset, things become clearer. Why am I waiting?

Besides considering going to sleep at 1935, my body is exhausted. New dieting gives me more burst energy, but I seem to want to go to sleep so early. 

Snow is coming or has for some of us, so I hear. 2 hour delay which doesn't effect me since I have duty but we'll see how far that goes. Make me late, snow.

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.

 Even though I always feel alone, I can think alone. And at sometimes, I cant think of a reason of why I should continue living. Not in a suicidal way, but still. Why do I continue growing older in this body only to put up with bullshit at work and come home for regular entertainment?

I noticed that I generally walk faster than people on the boat, even the taller ones. But even eating breakfast and having a good nights rest, I still can't remember a time where I haven't been tired at least in the little bit.

I think I need to take a sob session one of these days for my whining.

be passionate

Passion rules reason, For better or for worse.

Letting your emotions control your reason may cause trouble for yourself and those around you.

My heart beats at 195bpm when I sprint.  But that doesn't make me want to stop. What makes me want to stop is the pain in my legs, or the heavy breaths I take when I push. 

What makes me push for anything else in my life? Physically I strive for excellence, I can push my endurance far. But why should that matter in life?
As far as my hobbies and my nick-nacks go, why should I deserve victory? And where do i go about looking for it?

Being healthy for me is more of a challenge. I want to see how long I can live.

football

Why even act like I care about this stupid sport? Most people watch it for the social activities, drinking, and commercials anyway. And of course the couple of alpha-male used to play football in highschool fanatics. You're still cool, sure!

I saw this guy hitting on this girl tonight and it made me sick to my stomach. His game was downright terrible. He kept flirting with her by fake punching her and tickling.  Then his drunk ass gets all silly when she says stop and puts his head on her shoulder. Yuck, and she still played along! At some point she was sitting on his lap, that was the same point when I decided to leave anyway.

I've always wondered why they called it the speed limit. When people obviously go over it, it's not much of a damn limit. They should make minimum speed limits and maximum, in which the current speed limit is the minimum and they bump up the maximum 15mph. But then again, Fahrenheit 451.

Goodnight, youngsters, I still have to go to work in the morning.

kites

Spring is right around the corner, calling my name.

I will have my love soon.

workspace.

My life in a box, tell me my story. I'll pop right out when you close your eyes and rotate the lever. When should I be worried? When I can't tell the difference between sober and tipsy?

When I got to work, I forget that people aren't accepting in lifestyles. Another reason why I hate general people. Whether it's the pissing contest between the people I work with, or the gay jokes, it's all the damn same. I've moved on so long.

Why do I put so much time into her? Because I like her so damn much. That's my answer, and I know that. Move out of Tennessee, girl.

What makes people happy. Content. I am content.

watchstanding.

Yesterday from 715 until 1800 I had to watch contractors from Combat.  In the middle of that I had to go to Stretcher Bearer training and do a drill at 1900. So I had around half an hour to eat. After the drill, which ended at 2000 I tried to go take a nap, for my 2330 to 330 watch in the morning, but I couldn't so I just laid around. 400 rolled around and I didn't have a relief, at this time I was anxious to go to bed so the Chief just sent me away. I slept from around 415 to 600 exactly where I proceeded to eat Breakfast, go upstairs change into my blues and go to Quarters. Then I get told I'm not doing the inspection, and that I have to change out of uniform, back to the other because I had fire watch. 715 fire watch to 1500. By now I'm a bit irritated. Just damn woke up.

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My nights have been disturbed by something, a longing for it deeply. My thoughts run away as soon as I lay in my bed, to another place and another time. Except when I'm exhausted. Hello, deepsleep.

In other news, my Brother is getting married March 14. Can't wait to see my friends again.

Starving for food.

The dream I had last night was meeting one of Jay's friends. And for whatever reason, I fell in love with her, happily ever after. Until those damn spiders from Dead Space 2 started attacking us. So much for that. After that, I couldn't sleep. 3 am.

This morning I walked to work in what seemed like a terrible cable connection TV. The static was so thick, I could barely see the ship. The mist eventually led out to a beautiful day. But too bad I'm still suffering from exhaustion from not sleeping much last night. Especially after my work out.

Now I'm starving while I make these tacos. Hurry up, meat.

Thought of the Day:

While at the barbershop, I considered peoples occupations. At what point did we strive for a more society rather than a survivalist tone? If people in the world had to survive rather than prosper off society for whatever reason, obviously people couldn't do it. We would have to adapt and overcome. Did selfish people who wanted huge economics rather than small tribes change all of this? Has our purpose changed from survival and re-population to entertainment and taxes or is that too savage?

I mean, I love technology, but what is my purpose?