It's been a while

Destroy destroy, destroy. Broken glass shattered on the ground, so goes my thoughts. I try to have a cross opinion for every situation I come to, but is that even worth it? I'm to the point where I question why I do anything and whether it's worth it. Why even worry about worrying about it?

I worry not.

On another note, we're back from that particular underway. Closing the brotherhood bond between friends in the shop, I'm happy. Finally really clicking with people here.

I'm going after what I want, from here on out.

Its the same?

So it could just be me, but I cant dig it. Itll never be the same without close friends. I'd almost rather be by myself.

Location:Loop Rd,Chesterfield,United States

I'm in bed by Ten.

Chilled music keeps me going, Penpal - Penpal, if you have the time to look it up.

Jay is always going to be my best friend because he understands the same shit as me. He is where I am in my life, but on a different scale. We might be in different classes, but we level up just the same. If relating it into my own terms for you to understand makes it clearer, so be it.

Drink to wake up, drink to stay clear.

Still searching for love? I give the fuck up.

twice

What do you live for?

I live for droned, methodical, hypnotic music. Piano melody, stringed undertone, and muscle shaking low bass. Those goosebumps as they roll up your thighs, the front of your arms, the crease in your spine. But at the same time, I struggle for complication and deep thought in the mix. Too many things going on at once makes a listener an adept for love. I settle for nothing less than extraordinary, entrepreneurship for wonder.

I work past limits; there's no room for them in my body. After exhaustion, I keep composure. Straight face, clear thoughts. I work for peace and calmness always.

I love cold days, with warm winds. Rustled leaves falling, quiet nature moaning in my ear.

I'm psychotic for new material to ponder about: Deep, mindfucked stories, catalytic motivationals, and 'till you die hope and endurance. Digging through the trash of mainstreamed propaganda and single-sided lifestyles. 


Compulsive to share, not a response. Are they alive?

Who do you live for?

Is there a reason? I work for an imagination of love in my mind more often these days, I fear. I may be alone for a very long time. The ghost seems a more psychopathic lover.

Evolving into a silent character in the shadows, but ever changing. Colossus in my mind, I will become meek and humble.

SO

It goes, everyday it seems. my apathetic mood-killer alternative life style brings down another one.

I've got the best of friends in the shadows.

Yesterday

I didn't get enough sleep, and I blamed that as the cause. I felt something strange when I came back to my room. It wasn't that I hadn't been there for a while, and had a only a memory of what it looked, felt, and smelled like. It was indefinitely because I was alone. Finally not around people.

I was angry at first, then I went into acceptance.

So it goes with everything, it seems now-a-days.

hypo

This is as far as it goes, the train tracks end here. My life is once again rejoining with the lowly ocean, a ball and chain strapped to my leg.

draw, the life

The file, the one.

The only one to summon this execute to show the world:

"I will show, you: He says, I will show everyone."

I am the alpha, and the omega. I will destroy to create, I will conform to dispute, I will dissipate to console. And I will only affirm to dialect.

Understand, my meaning, and understand it quick, human,

This is not a philosophy to be prophesied. This is the thought of judgment, this is the conflict of  happiness and frustration, the difference between comfort and thought.

The breaking of worlds, the beginning of the end of judgment and vanity, the end of  social conflict.

You thought being cool, was the object of life, you've failed.

You thought being smart, was the object of live, you've failed.

Consider the inevitability of sustaining the bravery and courage of a warrior.

This is life, this is its judgement. Be Holy, be slow to temper, and be wise.

vain

The only thing that matters is endurance. Endure the tired, endure the pain, endure your mind. Control everything, don't let it slip out of your tight ball. Compress everything, save nothing.

Everything is of vain, don't let things you can't control worry you. Nothing matters, overcome and abide.

realization

I remember why I can't put effort into you, it all goes to waste. That was it, I'm done.

On another note, growing ever slowly. New toys have arrived.

chat

After talking to you and snuggling all night, I drove my grandparents SUV back to their parking spot in the hotel. By the time I got out, I saw a crowd of people hovering around the satellite station. Curious as ever, I proceed to ask questions to find out a bunch of kids are telling everyone they're going to jump. I wait, and see.

They end up jumping, and hurting themselves. One in particular, the kid landed on his head. But when they jumped, it wasn't far at all, I guess my dream exaggerated the distance.

And besides the butterfly plane, my dream was all unusual. As ever.

again

I had that dream where you play the part of falling in love with an old crush. Why they call it crush? because thats what they do to you in the end. A very fitting teacher of mine was the first portrayal of this crush, and for the most part, is was her. She was basically every personality I could ask for in a women, and cute to boot. She was in charge of a store in the dream for a temporary duty, and the only one working there at all. I was helping her do the chores around the store and closer and closer we got. Until she invited me to her house for a pool party at night. 

We drank, and drank, and drank. 

Things always get heated up when its a party and people drink. But for some reason my dream skipped over a large portion of the dream after I saved a friend of the girls from drowning. I knew she was married, and so did she. "I want to fuck you."

Shift,

A different person, a person whom I rarely really even interacted with. But desired from afar. A girl from high school. A girl who had every interest that I had. I could remember lying in bed with her. I could smell the alcohol from last night, and drinking this morning. Our faces were intimately close, our lips infinitely. She said, "You don't even know how close we can put our lips together without touching."

And then I woke up. And was satisfied.

And wondered: I go on looking for what I want, but is there anyone looking for me?

playing

I'm not shuffling anymore. Not around the facts, at least.

I need a love, one to organize myself.

But when will it happen? That magic, the love that I so selfishly strive for.

Deny friends hear me, and there, I will, however pick the chosen. I think.

I hope.

me

All Is Vanity
1	The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.
2	Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.
3	What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun?
4	One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.
5	The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.
6	The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.
7	All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full: unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.
8	All things are full of labor; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.
9	The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.
10	Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.
11	There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after.

invisible

You don't notice it, because it's subconscious. But it happens, and your energy and aura differ from each passing one. Whether it's full or not makes a huge impact on the way your body works, even a full ocean makes waves because of it. But it's stable and constant. Whether the tide comes in and out is the reflection of it's weakness. And you thought you get out of it?

Notice it more often, and account for it.

"The Splitting of Representation and Referent Layers
Salvia divinorum causes metaperception, which is the tangible perception of the layer of mental constructs that is the only thing directly presented to awareness. In the dissociative state, the vantage-point of awareness is raised, or stepped back a level, resulting in perceiving the cognitive workings of mental-construct processing and perception itself.

Mental constructs that are usually tightly associated separate from each other. The mental representation of each item also perceptibly separates from the represented referent; representations split into two perceptibly distinct layers. The representation layer is present to awareness like a tangible painting, while the referent layer is a remote, speculative realm that is pointed to but is perceptually absent, like a foreign country one has never directly seen (Hoffman 1996).

A person lives their entire subjectively experienced life inside a simulation that their own mind produces by presenting mental constructs to awareness. In metaperception, personal control-power and personal movement through space and time appear as synthetic mental constructs.

The Moving Control-Agent as Mental Construct
In the ordinary cognitive state, the mind generates the sensation of being an autonomous egoic agent wielding cross-time control-power while moving through time and space; this sensation is a projected, constructed, synthetic image and perspective.

The ego-entity exists as a real set of patterns and dynamics spread across time, but the ego is not solid, continuous, or autonomously powerful in the way the mind originally imagines. The self exists as a mental construct in the form of a time-slice series. This mental construct exists both as the entire series and as individual time-slices, with the continuant agent’s motion and control-power mentally projected from within each time-slice.

Seeing the illusory aspects of mental representation of oneself, and feeling static spacetime unity in the absence of the accustomed sense of personal solidity, can be experienced as death. This death-experience is the ending of personal existence, because the egoic-mode mind identifies one’s existence with the projected image and sensation of the moving continuant agent and its control-power. "

dark

 What ever happened to chivalry? Why is it cool to be an ass? I miss seeing genuine people, with appropriate, healthy habits. And I don't mean just in conversation, but in action. When did saying: "Hello," or "Goodmorning!" ever become stupid? Or when did people in America quit exercising edict?

  

I almost felt scared to go to sleep last night. I reluctantly realized how quiet and dark it was in my room, and how alone I feel. Never waking up, what had I ever accomplished?

Believe nothing, question everything.

silence

It happened again. 

I feel displaced from my mind, and completely calm. Sound all around, yet silence in my head. It's a beautiful feeling to condense all of my worries, thoughts, and stress into an ever compressing ball. Breathe deep and silence everything else.

I'm evolving again, sweep me away wisdom.

pollen

Caked on thicker than snow, it blinds early morning drivers. And everyone blames their troubles and sickness on the change.

Shes a prude even though she seduces so much more, and she's tangled me into a web of other trapped insects.

Shes not what I've been looking for for years, but attraction comes and goes. And my tendencies seem to stay the same.

How about I just find a girl that doesn't suck, and lives relatively near.

Free

I'm aware of who I am and what I strive for. I do me, and thats how it's been.
If I could ever get off by someone else, maybe I'd be happier. Comfort kills.
Follow your dreams, become the person you want to be.

Like children playing by the ocean who build sand-towers with constancy and then destroy them with laughter.

But while you build your sand-towers the ocean brings more sand to the shore,

And when you destroy them, the ocean laughs with you.

Verily the ocean laughs always with the innocent.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet on Crime and Punishment

Sometimes I forget to smell when I breathe. I try and make it a habit to smell thinks when I walk around especially as soon as I remember that I forget to.

Sometimes I forget to taste my food when I eat. I've been doing it more often now that I've been eating more fruit. I love fruit.

I rarely see people pray before they eat on the mess decks, but when I do, I admire them.

shiva

And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait a while unheeded at the gate of the blessed.

Like the ocean is your god-self;

It remains for ever undefiled.

And like the ether it lifts but the winged.

Even like the sun is your god-self;

It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

 Distressed about being stranded on an island.
"This is where I will die, loving nothing but my ghost." Said the sailor.

It is in exchanging the gifts of the earth that you shall find abundance and be satisfied.

Yet unless the exchange be in love and kindly justice, it will but lead some to greed and others to hunger. 

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet on Buying and Selling

I will, and will forever continue to be a mid-morning bird. Not too early to wake people up with my tones and fluxes, but mid to late morning calls. I'll always be a background noise behind the whirls and constant changing, sea fairing winds. Someday you'll stop and notice that damn bird one morning when you walk out of your car from a long night of work.

I had a dream that I got married to this amazing person I've been talking to lately. She was in a summer white dress, and much like the same situation with my brother. It was odd to be up there, but my heart raced.

Today I will go to the beach.

explosions

In the sky make me completely whole.

My brother's wedding was absolutely beautiful. And besides the existentialism that I felt of the entire scenario of love, I could see it in their tear jerked eyes. "I love you, and I cherish you." is what I saw. As far as inspiration happens, It blew me away. I will love like that some day!

starfucker

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet on Reason and Passion

My Rutter has been stuck in a rut lately with various muck in my ocean, as well as certain barnacles that seem to cling tightly to my oar when I paddle.

I haven't felt butterflies in my stomach for a while for just a kiss. But when it happens, I know it's more than just lust of my extreme sexual habit kicking in. 

I've had my problems with my intense sexual tendencies which I thought were necessities, however I know better. Whether I act against my will or not, I seem to be suffocated by my want for sex. I will overcome, I will break every habit. Moderation, moderation, vanities  of vanities.

My sense of direction is set your way, I'll do almost anything for genuine love minus the lust. In fact, I'll wait.

I want the feeling of desire without the lust, I'm tired of fawning hopelessly with lust, I want to desire someone entirely on personality. 

COME HERE.

less time

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet on Joy and Sorrow

New Strokes album is beastly, go download it now.

So the past couple of days has really loosened me up alot. Which I suppose being away from work and a stressful environment will do.

But honestly what I want to do is lie around and watch some new movies with a certain someone. Wake up too early and get coffee and talk with rolled down windows on a perfectly warm spring morning.

I suppose it'll happen someday!

who needs

Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron.

It lulls you to sleep only to stand by your bed and jeer at the dignity of the flesh.

It makes mock of your sound senses, and lays them in thistledown like fragile vessels.

Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral. 

Khalil Gibran - The Prophet on Houses

Who needs it when t fades away?
When all you have at the end f the day is your friends and a strong sense of nausea and contempt.

My life goes like this: duty and death.
And the obstacle that has been blinding me is off the path now.

I've missed my friends here.

wilderness

This is where I want to live; without responsibility or stress.

lights

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

 Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet, on Giving.

I went to sleep under blinking stars and a sleeping bag last night on the ship. A soft humming noise from the equipment and the constant ticking, green flashing lights calmed me to a sleep.

My heart skips when she's around, and it's so damn bad for me.

Forgive me for being selfish.

workworkwork

home is so far from his memory
the ships old wet deck is all his family

Sharks Keep Moving - Sailor

 I spend most of my time a work these days, and they get slower and slower. Where has my life been lately?

A bad stick of RAM took up most of my night last night, and trips to Virginia Beach tonight.

Where's some one who understands?

while,

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Khalil Gibran - The Prohpet, on Children

It's been a bit since I've wrote, on many reasons I've been extremely frustrated with life. Short to temper, easy to aggravate. I need some chilling time, and I need it now. 

What I haven't began to understand is my addiction to you, my interests are changing again, and with this comes a difference in me.

On the fence, it's always hung. Right near the brambles of the metal spirals, but not too close. But dangerous enough for you to be scared.

exist

You bought those pills they sell
a fucking joke
forget those monsters floating under your skin
go wash your hands in skink filled with glass
and feel the cuts laugh ha ha ha ha
oh fuck it all
try one join the grins too
i'll trade for all
for hipocrits and neck too you
from now on
i'll grip my belt
and enjoy this ride

Tubelords - Night of the Pencil 

Equality in life is as absent minded as pornography in a regular conversation; No one speaks of it, but masturbation is a normality these days. Hell, I feel bad about myself most times. If as if I were a beast masturbating to porn. But lets dis-concern ourselves from that topic, which seems to be a sensitive one to me since it's sort of an obsession.

Either way, I'd say I'm blessed to be where I am. Drinking a beer, and on my new 2k desktop. I have everything I'd ever want in life. But I like to think that my worldly continuity will last forever.  


Saying something profound would make my day, considering I'm making lyrics for my new band.
So if I were a pirate, I'd be happier. Or maybe a robot so I didn't have to compute feelings for people.

Colors

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet

 I woke up today, got strawberry pancakes from the mess decks. Got in my car and got a Mocha and had a cigarette and drove so chillingly with the windows down. Listening to Mathrock!

I'm going to the beach today.

I've decided that I love the mornings rather than the nights. Mornings are peaceful and beautiful, night time is so corrupted.

grey

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. 
Khalil Gibran - The Prophet

Thoughts:

I now know why I where glasses, which is simple really. Women who are put off my glasses, which for some strange reason seem to signify intelligence are stupid. Plain and simple, when will a girl find that my glasses aren't stupid?

Speaking of a stupidity, I know one  who is stupid. But I tend to keep my comments to myself.

Besides it being a long day at work again, It's been fun. I've learned so much software-side of our new install. It's pretty damn awesome. I was walking down the p-way when I say a security guard, they tend to look like mopey puppies who have done something wrong. Why is that?

Car wash time, and later on drinking at a friends.

Hammer time.

Let not the waves of the sea separate us now, and the years you have spent in our midst become a memory.

You have walked among us a spirit, and your shadow has been a light upon our facs.

Much have we loved you. But speechless was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.

Yet now it cries aloud unto you, and would stand revealed before you. 

The Prophet - Khalil Gibran

Stop.

What have you done today? Or this month for that fact. Is it different from any other month out of this past year? Have you done anything different, have you changed habit, or made importance out of anything?

I was on my way out of work when I really just wanted to stop in the middle of the crosswalk and consider my life; For the past three years has been a blur. Honestly, I never thought there was anything outside of highschool, back then. What have I done with my life? I've learned so many things. I'm a completely different person.

A Marine died today who went to Central, got shot in the head. 

My reason and logic have changed significantly:

I didn't know the person and as his decision to become a Marine and go down the route in knowing the danger of death, I don't feel bad at all. But because I'm such a damn downer, and that I know what the military is like, I disregard my thoughts. I give sympathy for his family and friends, and since he's from Columbia I feel bad for that. But honestly, so it goes.

Hearing

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

• Miles "Pudge" Halter about Alaska Young, p. 88

 Blessed, we are. Whether you see it or not, we have so many things that are beautiful in our life. Most things we take for granted.

Let the ground shake, and the dust under your drawers come to life. Let the inanimate, even inside yourself become stubborn limbs that rot and fall away.

Bring me beauties and butterflies, my Spring love.

Singles!

Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self.

The truth is what should motivate your life not the lies or you will fall victim to the first rule and if you ignore the truth you're betraying everything that you believe in because the lie is more convenient to you than reality. 

                  Valentines Day? Fuck you.

Is there much more explaining to that? Other than my extremely rude awakening to someone calling me this morning at 5, and getting out of work at 1615 made this day last a little bit longer than I planned. 

So maybe I'm being over-dramatic about my day, and how it was bad. Attitude is what makes me, right? Let me put myself in a better mood:

Glassjaw concert tonight, so damn excited about that. It's going to make my mood for the rest of the night, I expect.  Just tell me where you're going to stay.

toro y moi

A contradiction can not exist in reality. Not in part, nor in whole.

To believe in a contradiction is to abdicate your belief in the existence of the world around you and the nature of the things in it, to instead embrace any random impulse that strikes your fancy - to imagine something is real simply because you wish it were. A thing is what it is, it is itself. There can be no contradictions. 

Faith is a device of self-delusion, a sleight of hand done with words and emotions founded on any irrational notion that can be dreamed up. Faith is the attempt to coerce truth to surrender to whim. In simple terms, it is trying to breathe life into a lie by trying to outshine reality with the beauty of wishes. Faith is the refuge of fools, the ignorant, and the deluded, not of thinking, rational men. 

In reality, contradictions cannot exist. To believe in them you must abandon the most important thing you possess: your rational mind. The wager for such a bargain is your life. In such an exchange, you always lose what you have at stake.

I think they should let you go as fast as you want on the road based on your IQ. 

Besides all of the hype, the weather has been quite beautiful out lately. Too bad it's back to work tomorrow.

Gigi

Talga Vassternich.

Translation: Deserve Victory.

"Be justified in your convictions. Be completely committed. Earn what you want and need rather than waiting for others to give you what you desire."

Commitment means not leaving your thoughts in the trash. Which also means not settling for less than what you earn.

Ambiance reverberates on the insides of my ear into my brain, where I decipher the signals. My signals, my thoughts control my world around me. "We fly with our spirits." So says the girl.

So quit trying so hard, will ya?

caturday

Life is the future, not the past.

The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish things in the future, comfort us with cherished memories, and provide the foundation of what has already been accomplished. But only the future holds life. To live in the past is to embrace what is dead. To live life to its fullest, each day must be created anew. As rational, thinking beings, we must use our intellect, not a blind devotion to what has come before, to make rational choices. 

My head spinned a bit too fast last night, which resulted in a dreadful sleep. Lessons learned, I won't do that again. I woke up with messages and messages on my phone, it was ridiculous.

I'm so tired.

So 4 hour nap makes me feel better, I've found out. Moe's time.

beauty

The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason.

The first law of reason is this: what exists, exists; what is, is; and from this irreducible bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. It is the foundation from which life is embraced.

  

Thinking is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts nor are they a means to discover them. Reason is our only way of grasping reality; it is our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss that we refuse to see. Faith and feelings are the darkness to reason's light. In rejecting reason, refusing to think, one embraces death. 

I've been happier the last couple of days, because I think I've realized where I went wrong: Trusting anybody with my feelings. After the fact that I change my mindset, things become clearer. Why am I waiting?

Besides considering going to sleep at 1935, my body is exhausted. New dieting gives me more burst energy, but I seem to want to go to sleep so early. 

Snow is coming or has for some of us, so I hear. 2 hour delay which doesn't effect me since I have duty but we'll see how far that goes. Make me late, snow.

There is magic in sincere forgiveness; in the forgiveness you give, but more so in the forgiveness you receive.

 Even though I always feel alone, I can think alone. And at sometimes, I cant think of a reason of why I should continue living. Not in a suicidal way, but still. Why do I continue growing older in this body only to put up with bullshit at work and come home for regular entertainment?

I noticed that I generally walk faster than people on the boat, even the taller ones. But even eating breakfast and having a good nights rest, I still can't remember a time where I haven't been tired at least in the little bit.

I think I need to take a sob session one of these days for my whining.

be passionate

Passion rules reason, For better or for worse.

Letting your emotions control your reason may cause trouble for yourself and those around you.

My heart beats at 195bpm when I sprint.  But that doesn't make me want to stop. What makes me want to stop is the pain in my legs, or the heavy breaths I take when I push. 

What makes me push for anything else in my life? Physically I strive for excellence, I can push my endurance far. But why should that matter in life?
As far as my hobbies and my nick-nacks go, why should I deserve victory? And where do i go about looking for it?

Being healthy for me is more of a challenge. I want to see how long I can live.

football

Why even act like I care about this stupid sport? Most people watch it for the social activities, drinking, and commercials anyway. And of course the couple of alpha-male used to play football in highschool fanatics. You're still cool, sure!

I saw this guy hitting on this girl tonight and it made me sick to my stomach. His game was downright terrible. He kept flirting with her by fake punching her and tickling.  Then his drunk ass gets all silly when she says stop and puts his head on her shoulder. Yuck, and she still played along! At some point she was sitting on his lap, that was the same point when I decided to leave anyway.

I've always wondered why they called it the speed limit. When people obviously go over it, it's not much of a damn limit. They should make minimum speed limits and maximum, in which the current speed limit is the minimum and they bump up the maximum 15mph. But then again, Fahrenheit 451.

Goodnight, youngsters, I still have to go to work in the morning.

kites

Spring is right around the corner, calling my name.

I will have my love soon.

workspace.

My life in a box, tell me my story. I'll pop right out when you close your eyes and rotate the lever. When should I be worried? When I can't tell the difference between sober and tipsy?

When I got to work, I forget that people aren't accepting in lifestyles. Another reason why I hate general people. Whether it's the pissing contest between the people I work with, or the gay jokes, it's all the damn same. I've moved on so long.

Why do I put so much time into her? Because I like her so damn much. That's my answer, and I know that. Move out of Tennessee, girl.

What makes people happy. Content. I am content.

watchstanding.

Yesterday from 715 until 1800 I had to watch contractors from Combat.  In the middle of that I had to go to Stretcher Bearer training and do a drill at 1900. So I had around half an hour to eat. After the drill, which ended at 2000 I tried to go take a nap, for my 2330 to 330 watch in the morning, but I couldn't so I just laid around. 400 rolled around and I didn't have a relief, at this time I was anxious to go to bed so the Chief just sent me away. I slept from around 415 to 600 exactly where I proceeded to eat Breakfast, go upstairs change into my blues and go to Quarters. Then I get told I'm not doing the inspection, and that I have to change out of uniform, back to the other because I had fire watch. 715 fire watch to 1500. By now I'm a bit irritated. Just damn woke up.

</endrant>

My nights have been disturbed by something, a longing for it deeply. My thoughts run away as soon as I lay in my bed, to another place and another time. Except when I'm exhausted. Hello, deepsleep.

In other news, my Brother is getting married March 14. Can't wait to see my friends again.

Starving for food.

The dream I had last night was meeting one of Jay's friends. And for whatever reason, I fell in love with her, happily ever after. Until those damn spiders from Dead Space 2 started attacking us. So much for that. After that, I couldn't sleep. 3 am.

This morning I walked to work in what seemed like a terrible cable connection TV. The static was so thick, I could barely see the ship. The mist eventually led out to a beautiful day. But too bad I'm still suffering from exhaustion from not sleeping much last night. Especially after my work out.

Now I'm starving while I make these tacos. Hurry up, meat.

Thought of the Day:

While at the barbershop, I considered peoples occupations. At what point did we strive for a more society rather than a survivalist tone? If people in the world had to survive rather than prosper off society for whatever reason, obviously people couldn't do it. We would have to adapt and overcome. Did selfish people who wanted huge economics rather than small tribes change all of this? Has our purpose changed from survival and re-population to entertainment and taxes or is that too savage?

I mean, I love technology, but what is my purpose?

mondays?

I feel so much better, why should I ever have to worry about that?
I ran for 10 minutes, got off because my calf hurt like hell. So I went to the bike, did that for like 3 minutes. Went to elliptical did that for 10, back to bike. Then back to the treadmill. By then my leg didn't hurt, so I ran it out. So that's exciting.

And back to work, of course. Then gym, then video games/cooking/movies/books etc. The weekdays start again.

Pretty sure Chelsey is back on the not wanting to like me stage again, as if I cared. 

And as always, pic related.

the second rule.

The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.

Kindness and good intentions can be an insidious path to destruction. Sometimes doing what seems right is wrong, and can cause harm. The only counter to it is knowledge, wisdom, forethought, and understanding the First Rule. Even then, that is not always enough.

Imagine giving money to a bum, in kindness. Who in then decides to buy a knife with the money to kill someone.

excuses?

I let it all build up until I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't like people in general, so I guess that could explain the actions tonight. Loud, obnoxious, and so it goes.

Good movie, by the way.

I used to have this thing for this girl named Caitlin. We went on this mission trip together, and for a brief time in the madness of my life I think I fell in love. I've never had such a strange click with someone that I admired as much as I did her, but it happened. And then it stopped.

I've never gotten butterflies in my stomach from holding hands with anyone else in my entire life, maybe this should change.

story time:

"Where are we?" Said Fireman Jones.

"Nowhere you want to be." The higher ranking Petty Officer said.

No one cared about rank then, but everything counted on being specific and calculated then. Lives were endangered. As if that was initiative for some people to be more serious.

In the middle of an Aircraft Carrier sinking. Who would have thought? 93,500 tons of steel to back up not being sunk, but apparently it could happen.

"What if I died, in the middle of this mess, sir?"

skeptics and nonbelievers.

Not dealing with it, at all.

Let me talk of endearment, and what I mean by it. Arrogance is another word for babble. And that's what I plan on doing. Babble moment for Mr. Adam Mischke.

My plan in life is consecutively meet new people and change their thought process. To a higher decree if I can say that. And honestly, if some one plays at my level I would love it. Those are what I'd like to call best friends. Think outside of the box.

I love you, imagination.

And as I say drunkenly. I'll go to sleep a little later, and wake up later than usual. Thats the weekends for me.

For as if I had a love, I'd spend my time with her.

I miss it, so much. I miss love. My wrists hurt from typing. Please come to me soon, I've been waiting too long.

Please come, I love you.

friday

Very few times I have had the extraordinary feeling of love and happiness. So utterly carefree that I could crash my car, get killed, and die happy. I remember it happened when I was in the car coming back from Florida listening to music, and once when I was in the car with the windows rolled down during Autumn with coffee and the heat on. I laughed, and in the pit of my stomach I had a hand squeezing my insides in such a happy tight knot. I was happy where I was, I was happy how blessed I was in my life. I didn't care about work, and how much it sucked. I didn't care about all the stuff thats been going on with Chelsey and I. I didn't even care if I'd end up ever in love. All I knew, was that I was.

I was watching as the grown ups talked about work today, at this going away party. The only stirring in the crowd were the kids. So carefree, so happy, so uninterested in what we were doing. Why don't we focus on kids more?

restless

My mind has been at war with each other for a bit.

As in who am I to give my love to?

I haven't really given any consideration at all to my actions, since I've been winging it for a week or so. Words may blurt out, affections may take place, who knows.

I picked up Dead Space 2, and to say the least, it's scaring the shit out of me. It reminds me off the time watching my brother play Resident Evil, or Silent Hill when I was like 10. So scary.

Other than that, I've been fairly busy with life: Working, Running, Eating, and Reading. I'm starting to go a little OCD with my diet that I'm trying but it's okay. I haven't drank any carbonated drinks in weeks. My leg was acting up a little when I was running today, but hopefully that'll go away.

Besides that, I'm on day 3 of my celibacy strike which I hope at least lasts a month, hopefully more.

And as a last note, I have this to think about:

Do you think God wanted us to live this long?

I mean, it's an obvious yes since we still are. But why do I have to clean out my ears from earwax?

scatter brain

Up until now, I had forgotten the dream I had or that I even dreamed last night. So out comes the iPhone for thoughts that I had throughout the day:

I had a dream that I went to school, as old as I am now and saw the people who went to school there. Mr. Lindsey was still there, being his hippie self. As I went into his room, I remembered familiar faces. Mal was there, sitting around so I sat down and ate next to her. I had a feeling of worry in the pit of my stomach, which was me getting in trouble for being there. Then I remembered that I was a grown person, I curse like a sailor. Ha.

I remember going outside and someone had dumped snow all over the ground, so they canceled school. When I tried to leave, some of my friends took something from my car so I had to find them.

(Gah I hate being vague, but I can't remember much.) </end dream>

My drive to work was interesting, considering I realized that we're all blind. If I weren't, I'd be able to see the stale cold molecules in the air fizz with energy when the heat starts kicking into my car.

Also that we trust people entirely too much, the person ahead of me only a couple of feet in front of me in a tunnel doing 50. What if he stopped?

Simplicity, in small

Things that make you happy are the only things that matter;

You can think that drinking alone on a Saturday night it boring, or maybe you think I'm lonely. But I wasn't either of those, at all. Besides not remembering how or when I went to sleep, I talked to a bunch of people online and texts while listening to old ass video game music. Ha.

I told a girl I barely know that I loved her,
Sent pictures of myself to a girl I've known for a long time and just recently started talking,
And apparently hit on Cameron last night.

Who knows?
Either way, I just bought a PS3 and Little Big Planet along with a 5 buck box from Taco Bell and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

My favorite part of today would have been if the lady at the drive-thru told me: "You're Welcome!" after I said thanks in a cheerful voice.